Underappreciated Things

I realize that for the most part, this blog features entries ripping on people or systems deserving of criticism. It's probably getting a bit depressing and making some lose faith in existence, however, so I've decided to put a spin on things. I'm going to passively rip on things by mentioning praise for people who don't engage in activities detrimental to those amongst them; people who warrant mention because they stand apart from the pack! It's a cheap trick and won't work on anyone with an IQ higher than Forrest Gump's, and I apologize to that minute portion of the populace that stands above this point.

First and foremost, I'd like to extend my most sincere gratitude to people decent enough to make sure that the toilet area they just used is clean to a point where the next frantically rushing pooper doesn't vomit on the seat. Seriously, you rise above the pack with your willingness to apply a small expanse of the toilet paper situated conveniently nearby to the seat. As if that weren't enough, you make sure to push the little black button above the stall, because that goshdarn motion sensor never works! If you are truly this decent, your ticket to heaven is punched and people on this earth should kiss your feet and offer to become your disciples. Disciples are fun because they never question you, no matter what. So after you're done being awesome, you can feel free to join the ranks of the corrupt and ambitious who order others to fetch them things or raise their miniscule egos.

As awe-inspiring as toilet-wipers truly are, they are matched feat-for-feat by People Who Don't Make Personal Pictures Their Desktop Backgrounds. It's wonderful to walk over to an associate's desk and see that weirdly perfect green meadow with the blue sky backdrop (Or a picture of Demarcus Ware). It is far from it when said associate is sporting a picture of he and his girlfriend garbed with nothing but sand on the Mexican shore. You want to turn your eyes away, but the spectacle captivates your consciousness in a way nothing but Pizza ever should. You then get strange looks from a puzzled associate (Dude, up HERE. That is NOT cool!) and choose to simply saunter out without a word, seeing as any criticism will result in an angry retort consisting of some and occasionally all of the following in some variable order:
It's my space!
Why were you checking out my girlfriend out in the first place?
Sand is healthy for your skin!
Well, at least I don't display something stupid and impersonal like Mickey Rourke beating the crap out of an entire SWAT team!
Are you intrigued by what I bring to the table?
None of these are valid retorts. If the offending party disses Marv from Sin City, deliver a punch to make him proud. If he states the last of these, leave the premises and inform the dude who never explained why he wears a pink shirt every day.
People who keep things comfortable (Is there an opposite of awkward?) are to be praised for not making a situation that is detrimental for everyone beside pink-shirted man. And by the way, that black and white picture of the Labrador is awesome. That was my background for several years. For reference's sake, I believe It's labeled 'Friend'. How fitting. If you take it, you will progress to this label. That's right, shed that 'associate' label. Nobody likes being an associate except for the 20 year olds who haven't finished work on their their bachelors' degrees!

Join us next time on remotely veiled criticisms, where we undermine The Bus Occupant Watching American Pie on his DVD Player Without Headphones , the Overly Excited Instructor Who Teaches Early Classes, and Hillary Clinton!